God In the Music

I was cutting my grass the other day and listening to my music. When I cut the grass, it’s one of the few times no one can interrupt me and I’m all “alone”. During these times, I have a lot of conversations with God and He with me. When I don’t have my earphones in, my thoughts go to different places and I pray them through and “talk” to God. I’ve been able to work through a lot of issues. Other times like this, God “talks” to me through the music that plays.
I know that may sound weird, but when these times happen, they are very clearly addressing something that has been weighing on my heart or something that I’m pondering. I have even received a playlist for a friend that was hurting. The playlist that played this day was clearly about my past and some of the feelings that assault me.
It started with Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You”. It describes pretty clearly a lot of the feelings I’ve had since my husband committed suicide. Here are just a few of the lines that struck a real chord in my heart:
“Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid”

“I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with”

Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in

It’s hard. I listened to the song and the first thoughts that hit were:

“How do I get away from these feelings? They have been a part of my life for so many years. This is so deep. How can I ever learn to trust people? Trust is so difficult to give to people because it hurts SO much when it’s broken.”

Then a string of other songs came on with these kinds of lyrics:

Steven Curtis Chapman – What a Friend We Have In Jesus
“Are we weak and heavy laden, encumbered with a world of prayer? Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.”

Superchick – We Live
“Waking up to another dark morning, people are mourning, the weather in life outside is storming. But what would it take for the clouds to break for us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway?

Barlow Girl – Never Alone
“We cannot separate. You’re part of me. And though You’re invisible, I’ll trust the unseen.”

Steven Curtis Chapman – His Eyes
“My child, I created you, too, and you’re my most precious creation. I even gave my Son for you.”

Amy Grant – Deep As It Is Wide
“Every nation, color and creed, like grace pouring out, far as the eye can see, singing praises up to a King cause He died for a crowd.”

Aaron Shust – Risen Today
“All creation sang Hallelujah, the King is risen, glory to the name of the Risen Lord. Let all the earth proclaim Hallelujah, our sins forgiven, glory to Your name forevermore.”

Newsboys – God’s Not Dead
“Now I’m lost in Your freedom, in this world I’ll overcome.”

Steven Curtis Chapman – Questions
“Still I have these questions, like how could you God? How could You be so good and strong and make a world that can be so painful. And where were you God? I know you had to be right there. I know you never turn your head.”

Unspoken – Who You Are
“You believe in freedom, but you don’t know how to choose. You gotta step out of your feelings that you’re so afraid to lose. And everyday you put your feet on the floor you gotta walk through the door. It’s never gonna be easy, but it’s all worth fighting for.”

Phil Wickham – At Your Name
“Lord of all the earth, we shout Your name, shout Your name. Filling up the skies with endless praise, endless praise. Yahweh, Yahweh, we love to shout Your name, oh Lord.”

This conversation helped me to put into perspective the horrible feelings I have and the reality of Who God is. He’s everything. He’s always with us and, while He gives us all free will under which there is so much joy and pain, He works it all together for good. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always take away the pain, but it helps to know I can talk to Him anytime and all the time. It also helps to read His Word and know that He loves me with unconditional love and calls me His. I can also praise His name, even in the storms, knowing I am a child of the Creator of the Universe. Nothing is too big for Him and He’ll help me sift through all these feelings and attacks and come out better on the other side of it all.

Dipping Into the Heart

I realized several years ago that I have lived the majority of my life based on what my head told me. I know, in my heart, that my Father in Heaven loves me dearly and that Jesus died on the cross so I could be with Him in Heaven. I know that God made me exactly as He did for a purpose of great importance. I know these things fully in my heart, but my mind has so many defenses built up to protect those truths that I rarely fully live in these realities. I’ve built up many defenses and walls to protect myself from the abusive words said to me throughout my life. I built them to survive and to keep the attacks from wounding and taking away the truths that live deep inside me.

I have become increasingly aware, though, that these protections have now started to hold me captive more than they protect me. Most of the abusive people are not in my life much anymore, but the defenses are like second nature to me. I really have no idea a lot of the times when the walls go up. Many times I live in that protected state when I don’t have anything from which to be protected. I’ve even discovered that I have defenses over the most benign moments. I understand why, but it is tiring living with walls going up all the time.

I just never wanted to lose the real me or to allow many people access because I didn’t know if they could be trusted. I am still very cautious of letting others into my life and, therefore, I hardly ever really relax and just allow my real self, whoever that is, to come out. Even when I meet with good friends, I pray that I will not be a burden and will be there for them rather than just being in the moment.

It’s sad, but I don’t know much of what I really enjoy doing or even what I can do well. Everything about me has been attacked to the point that I finally “realized” I didn’t do anything well. But, that can’t be true. If God made me for a purpose that was important, there has to be at least one thing that I do well, right?

I want to start living in the moments of my life without being on guard. To find who I am means to start dismantling the walls. When I do, it will open up the chances to be hurt again. That’s very scary and completely unknown territory. However, figuring out how to do this is the journey I’m starting.
Hopefully, I can eventually stop guarding so much of my heart that holds the truths of Who God is and who He created me to be so that I can do what He has for me to do, both the big and the small everyday things. God never just has one purpose for us. He made us who we are so that we can make a difference and shine for Him by just being who we were made to be and following His lead. I cling to His promise in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares The Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” There is no place or need for walls in this promise.

I want to start living in the moments of my life without being on guard. I want to get out of my head and start dipping into my heart that I’ve protected so much. I want to start breaking down the walls to find freedom, in Him, which is the most safe place to ever be!