The Journey to Me

It’s very hard to figure out how I am feeling. Because I wasn’t able to express hard feelings in my life, I have a very hard time even identifying the feelings. When I was talking to a counselor one day, she asked me how something made me feel. I told her that I had absolutely no idea. She handed me a list of feelings with probably 100 feelings listed on it. I looked at them for a bit and I was able to name two feelings I was experiencing at the time. It was so shocking to me that I had no idea how to even identify with words what I was feeling. I felt like a two-year-old would have more of an understanding of who they were than I did and do in my 40’s. That scared me and it really hurt. I was able to see firsthand what all the actions of these people in my life had done to me. I realized that there had been so much taken away from me.
I just don’t understand how not only one person, but also a group of people independently and, later, somewhat as a group together, could do this to anyone. I have been told over and over from my counselor, that there are people in the world and, evidently, in my life, that treat people like they have no value or belittle them so that they can feel better about themselves. It makes no sense to me at all. It really does nothing to help me understand what has happened in my life because I have no idea how to wrap my mind around this thought process. After the way I had grown up and been treated through my life, there was no way that I wanted to treat anyone even close to the way I had been treated. Why would I ever want someone, especially people I knew and loved, or even liked, to feel anywhere close to how I was made to feel! Never! How could doing this to people make anyone feel better about themselves?
So, here I am, just stepping over the start line of my journey to healing and I have no idea how to move forward. What am I feeling? What should I tackle first? What is the main problem facing me? Wait, before those questions, what am I moving toward?
I would say the best answer is that I’m moving towards me, whoever or whatever that turns out to be. I want to meet and get to know her. It’s a journey of faith looking to find the lady God created, instead of who the abusive people in my life said I was.

~ Joanna Lynn

The Journey Begins

Up until the last few years, there were so many times that I wondered why no one could love me. I still look back and I’m lost in a world of confusion, sadness and struggling to understand what it was about me t hat made some of the people in my life not only have no love for me but to actually hate and despise me. One of those people hated me from when I was a very little girl. There was no way that I could have consciously done anything to make anyone hate me at that point in my life.

I do have people in my life who have loved me since I was that same little girl as well as those who have met and come to show me love since that time. It’s hard for some of these loved ones to understand how I can have so much love from them and others but still have such a deep chasm of hurt. But it’s there and it hurts.

I’m not exactly sure why, but I believe a huge part of it is because the people who had so much trouble with me also wouldn’t allow me to have bad feelings. If I cried or got upset because they had really hurt me, they would usually turn it back around on me saying that I hurt them in some way or another or tell me I was being selfish, a little girl (some of the time it happened I actually was a little girl) or just being too sensitive.

For as long as I can remember, I have learned to push rough feelings away and hide them to the point that now I don’t know how to stop those protections. I don’t feel much of anything in life, I don’t live in the experiences of life. I am like the person in a human hamster wheel: I am present and a part of what is happening, but there is a huge layer of “padding” keeping my feelings and senses out of the middle of the situations and definitely making sure I can’t express my negative feelings. It is not really living. I go into every situation with that protection around me and my guard up in case something happens. I can’t just be me – whoever that is. See, by having these constant bumper guards keeping me in check and distant, to a point (even though very few people would know that is what I am doing) I am only just surviving and existing through life. I want something more. I want something I’ve never fully experienced.

But how do I get there? How do I find who I am, who God created me to be, and allow myself to be fully involved in life? That’s the journey I am about to begin. I know, through much prayer and talking to my counselor and friends, that writing about what I’m feeling, doing and experiencing, both the good and the bad, is a first step. This way I have to at least acknowledge the things that happen in my life. The emotions and feelings become tangible. I can no longer deny them or shove them away as easily.

As I start this journey, I am so thankful that I have a relationship with Jesus and know I am never really alone. I also have people who will be God’s arms when I need that human touch. The thing is, I don’t just want to finally let out all the pain from the past and fully feel it, I absolutely need to do so. It is imperative for me to fully express and feel these feelings so I can begin to sort through what has happened in my life and grieve, hurt, get angry, understand and even forgive so that I am released from all that holds me back.

Our Triune God

Recently, while I was praying during communion time at church, some thoughts of a past spiritual journey came to mind. The journey was to discover Who He is, the triune God. I knew God the Father and had learned so much about Him in studies and reading. He is my Rock. My life means nothing without Him. I would not even be here without Him because He knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13) He also gave His only Son to die on a cross (John 3:16) so that we could come before the Father whenever we want. We have full access to Him and He wants us to talk to Him without ceasing (1Thessalonians 5:17).

I am in love with Jesus. He’s my Savior, my Lord. He left His place of royalty next to His Father to be born of a virgin so that He could give us instruction and be an example of all He is and what He wants from and for us. And, then He was severely beaten and crucified on a cross for crimes He didn’t commit. But, then, He rose three days later, conquering death. That is the very definition of love. Greater love has no man than this that a man lay down his life for a friend. (John 15:13)

Then I got to the Holy Spirit. He was the part of the Trinity that I really didn’t feel I knew. I knew He lived inside those who accept Christ as their Savior and He intercedes with God on our behalf, but that was about it. I didn’t know what to expect. The Holy Spirit is God’s very presence in our world and in our lives. He directs our ways and our words if we are discerning enough to hear and wise enough to listen. I have often thought I would have loved to be alive when Jesus was on Earth. To have God in the flesh right with me would have been beyond description. But, the thing is, we have the Holy Spirit with us all the time. Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to Earth after He ascended. With the Spirit comes power (Acts 1:8) and freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17) along with so much more. I am forever smitten with Him. The very presence of God forever with me, guiding, directing and interceding!

God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit are each separate entities but are each fully God. He’s always available to us and He loves us like no human being could ever love. I read a book recently that described His love as extravagant, which is defined as “exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions” on my Dictionary app. That is how His love is for us. He never stops giving love to us, He is always guiding us and with us. He has provided a Way for us to talk to Him always through Jesus’ sacrifice. He has great plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11) and so much more! That is extravagant love indeed!

The Worth and Cost of Words

I have been pondering a couple old adages the last few days: “Words are cheap” and “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”. These are both nothing but lies. Words are powerful.m They are priceless as well as costly. With words, you can speak salvation into someone’s life, lift others up in love and speak words of hope. But at anytime, words can also tear apart a life, relationships will be severed and dreams can be shattered. I love the way Sara Bareilles puts it in her song “Brave” when she sings, “You can be amazing. You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug”.

That’s the power of words. So often, though, words are thrown around carelessly and without feeling there should be any repercussions. Some people just lash out at someone when they feel threatened or get angry. These words can be some of the most cutting and can settle into your very being if they are not acknowledged or forgiveness isn’t sought. Very little healing ever happens and trust is broken when these words are never talked about and it is pretended that nothing happened. A person who lives in a world with someone or a group of people who do this as their standard mode of operation will either become calloused to it as well as to the true affect words have or they will be wounded in, some part, through their life. Those words don’t leave quickly, or ever in some cases.

If those harsh words are never acknowledged, there will be a wall to some degree towards the person who said it. I truly believe from my own experiences and some of the experiences I’ve seen, whether there is a conscious thought of those words or not, the feelings surrounding the words are there, especially when the person who stated them is present. Trust will never fully be established. It’s a defense mechanism that many use and it can be crippling.

Proverbs 12:18 says: “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing”. Sword thrusts! That is a definite picture and example of the harm words can do. Being stabbed by a sword brings injury, sometimes life threatening, and even death, but always scars. Those scars don’t go away. But the verse does also say that the tongue of the wise brings healing. Even if we say something that we shouldn’t, if we seek Godly wisdom, we will go back to the person to seek forgiveness and restitution, hopefully bringing healing, or at least the start of healing, to the person as well as to the relationship.

The Bible talks about the tongue over 90 times. That is a lot! It is that important. As Christians, we seek to follow Jesus’ leading and live our lives for Him. James 1:26 states: “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless”. What we do with our words means so much. I would hate to think that I wounded someone so deeply by a careless word. I want to lift others up and encourage with my words. I also want to pray that I will be discerning in what I say. After all, a person is worth so much more than a quick release of anger or defensive comeback.

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” Proverbs 15:4

“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” Proverbs 17:9

Interaction in His Image

I have noticed lately just how little people think of each other. They refuse to even acknowledge another human being passing them, don’t see the point in looking at the wait staff, because they’re just the waiter after all, think of themselves as more important than someone else because of their name, how much money they make, their academic achievements, whether they are the appropriate gender, etc., or they are just too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to notice someone else. It is so sad to see as well as experience.

God created all of us, male and female, in His own image (Gen. 1:27). He loves us so much that He made us to be like Him. It had no bearing on anything this world says or believes. He created us and He loves us with a love so strong that He sent His own Son (John 3:16) to teach us of His great love and to die for our sins. All of this was so we can be with Him in Heaven and so that we have direct access to Him at all times. One of the most tender expressions of His love for me is Zephaniah 3:17 – “He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Just as a mother disciplines and rebukes our bad choices and then at night sings a lullaby over us, God does the same for us! That is so beautiful!

But we seem to forget that this applies to everyone. Every single person is valuable in God’s eyes. He wants for none of us to perish and to come to Him in repentance (2 Peter 3:9). We should, at the very least, treat people we meet, no matter who they are or their position, with respect. As the Bible says, “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12). It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with them or plan outings with them. It is simply showing others that their lives count just as yours does.

We should also prayerfully consider our words carefully. Something thrown out in anger, frustration or hurt can stick with someone for years. It’s been said that it takes 10 positive comments to combat one negative comment. That’s huge. But if we eagerly look to serve others and care for who they are, we can make a difference in their moment, day or even life. I have heard of people who have decided to not commit suicide just because someone smiled at them and said “Hello”. They were shown by one kind act of another person acknowledging them that they mattered. It seems so trivial, but to someone who has been knocked down so often, it can mean the world to them. Everyone is worth that.

Does this mean that we, then, need to be working towards friendship and perfect relationships with everyone? No. Not everyone is meant to be our best friends or even friends. People come into and out of our lives at different seasons. That’s perfectly fine and the way life is. However, some people are not safe to be around for different reasons but usually because they are abusive physically, emotionally, spiritually and/or verbally. When you have a relationship like these, there needs to be much prayer in deciding what steps to take in protecting yourself and whether the relationship is something you should even keep. If you are married, seeking good Godly counsel is essential. If you are in a physically abusive relationship and your &/or your children’s lives are in danger, leave immediately, then seek Godly counsel in prayer.

But for the majority of interactions we have in a day, people are worth your smile, a kind comment or even a conversation, depending on the circumstance. Something so simple is a gift to another human being and will even make you feel better, too!

All Things For Good

No one goes through their life untouched by hardships. The way we handle those times is telling about who we are and where our strength lies. As Christians, our strength comes from God. When life hits so hard we don’t know how we’ll take our next step, He picks us up and carries us through it. He never abandons us and He works all things for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

Remembering these facts about God during times when we are suffering, sometimes feels like a war. The pain combined with the knowledge of a loving, all-powerful God seems counterintuitive. However, the Bible tells us clearly that the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations (Psalm 100:5). In Isaiah 55:8 it also states, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

We look at everything with human eyes and limited understanding. God is both omniscient and omnipotent. We can’t even begin to understand His thinking. He is full of grace, righteousness and compassion. (Psalm 116:5)

I have had a lot of rough times in my life and even a few tragic ones. I’ve had my entire life ripped away from me when I learned that my marriage was nothing that I thought it was. I couldn’t see how any of the things that were happening to me could ever be used for good. The pain was and, sometimes still is, overwhelming and deep. My world was forever changed and I was left empty and broken. I had no idea how my life would ever be worthwhile or helpful to anyone. I was trapped in a world where I was nothing and I had nothing to give.

But God has other plans. He is healing me. The last four years have been beyond difficult. However, I am beginning to see how He rescued me from so much more that could have happened. I am realizing that there is a strength and confidence in me that I never knew I had and would probably never have been able to realize had my life kept going down the same path.

Recently, God helped me to realize some of the “good” He had planned for my experience. A woman in my Bible study had learned that her marriage had gone down a similar path in some ways as mine. She was struggling with the lies that had been told to her and the circumstances surrounding her marriage issues. God allowed me to speak truth into her life and give her some advice.

See, some of the good that is meant to come is often not just for us. I believe He sometimes allows things to happen in our lives because He knows we can speak into the lives of others who are going through similar circumstances. Nothing we go through is wasted on God and His best for His children.

God In the Music

I was cutting my grass the other day and listening to my music. When I cut the grass, it’s one of the few times no one can interrupt me and I’m all “alone”. During these times, I have a lot of conversations with God and He with me. When I don’t have my earphones in, my thoughts go to different places and I pray them through and “talk” to God. I’ve been able to work through a lot of issues. Other times like this, God “talks” to me through the music that plays.
I know that may sound weird, but when these times happen, they are very clearly addressing something that has been weighing on my heart or something that I’m pondering. I have even received a playlist for a friend that was hurting. The playlist that played this day was clearly about my past and some of the feelings that assault me.
It started with Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You”. It describes pretty clearly a lot of the feelings I’ve had since my husband committed suicide. Here are just a few of the lines that struck a real chord in my heart:
“Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid”

“I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with”

Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in

It’s hard. I listened to the song and the first thoughts that hit were:

“How do I get away from these feelings? They have been a part of my life for so many years. This is so deep. How can I ever learn to trust people? Trust is so difficult to give to people because it hurts SO much when it’s broken.”

Then a string of other songs came on with these kinds of lyrics:

Steven Curtis Chapman – What a Friend We Have In Jesus
“Are we weak and heavy laden, encumbered with a world of prayer? Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.”

Superchick – We Live
“Waking up to another dark morning, people are mourning, the weather in life outside is storming. But what would it take for the clouds to break for us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway?

Barlow Girl – Never Alone
“We cannot separate. You’re part of me. And though You’re invisible, I’ll trust the unseen.”

Steven Curtis Chapman – His Eyes
“My child, I created you, too, and you’re my most precious creation. I even gave my Son for you.”

Amy Grant – Deep As It Is Wide
“Every nation, color and creed, like grace pouring out, far as the eye can see, singing praises up to a King cause He died for a crowd.”

Aaron Shust – Risen Today
“All creation sang Hallelujah, the King is risen, glory to the name of the Risen Lord. Let all the earth proclaim Hallelujah, our sins forgiven, glory to Your name forevermore.”

Newsboys – God’s Not Dead
“Now I’m lost in Your freedom, in this world I’ll overcome.”

Steven Curtis Chapman – Questions
“Still I have these questions, like how could you God? How could You be so good and strong and make a world that can be so painful. And where were you God? I know you had to be right there. I know you never turn your head.”

Unspoken – Who You Are
“You believe in freedom, but you don’t know how to choose. You gotta step out of your feelings that you’re so afraid to lose. And everyday you put your feet on the floor you gotta walk through the door. It’s never gonna be easy, but it’s all worth fighting for.”

Phil Wickham – At Your Name
“Lord of all the earth, we shout Your name, shout Your name. Filling up the skies with endless praise, endless praise. Yahweh, Yahweh, we love to shout Your name, oh Lord.”

This conversation helped me to put into perspective the horrible feelings I have and the reality of Who God is. He’s everything. He’s always with us and, while He gives us all free will under which there is so much joy and pain, He works it all together for good. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always take away the pain, but it helps to know I can talk to Him anytime and all the time. It also helps to read His Word and know that He loves me with unconditional love and calls me His. I can also praise His name, even in the storms, knowing I am a child of the Creator of the Universe. Nothing is too big for Him and He’ll help me sift through all these feelings and attacks and come out better on the other side of it all.

Dipping Into the Heart

I realized several years ago that I have lived the majority of my life based on what my head told me. I know, in my heart, that my Father in Heaven loves me dearly and that Jesus died on the cross so I could be with Him in Heaven. I know that God made me exactly as He did for a purpose of great importance. I know these things fully in my heart, but my mind has so many defenses built up to protect those truths that I rarely fully live in these realities. I’ve built up many defenses and walls to protect myself from the abusive words said to me throughout my life. I built them to survive and to keep the attacks from wounding and taking away the truths that live deep inside me.

I have become increasingly aware, though, that these protections have now started to hold me captive more than they protect me. Most of the abusive people are not in my life much anymore, but the defenses are like second nature to me. I really have no idea a lot of the times when the walls go up. Many times I live in that protected state when I don’t have anything from which to be protected. I’ve even discovered that I have defenses over the most benign moments. I understand why, but it is tiring living with walls going up all the time.

I just never wanted to lose the real me or to allow many people access because I didn’t know if they could be trusted. I am still very cautious of letting others into my life and, therefore, I hardly ever really relax and just allow my real self, whoever that is, to come out. Even when I meet with good friends, I pray that I will not be a burden and will be there for them rather than just being in the moment.

It’s sad, but I don’t know much of what I really enjoy doing or even what I can do well. Everything about me has been attacked to the point that I finally “realized” I didn’t do anything well. But, that can’t be true. If God made me for a purpose that was important, there has to be at least one thing that I do well, right?

I want to start living in the moments of my life without being on guard. To find who I am means to start dismantling the walls. When I do, it will open up the chances to be hurt again. That’s very scary and completely unknown territory. However, figuring out how to do this is the journey I’m starting.
Hopefully, I can eventually stop guarding so much of my heart that holds the truths of Who God is and who He created me to be so that I can do what He has for me to do, both the big and the small everyday things. God never just has one purpose for us. He made us who we are so that we can make a difference and shine for Him by just being who we were made to be and following His lead. I cling to His promise in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares The Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” There is no place or need for walls in this promise.

I want to start living in the moments of my life without being on guard. I want to get out of my head and start dipping into my heart that I’ve protected so much. I want to start breaking down the walls to find freedom, in Him, which is the most safe place to ever be!

My dearly loved child,

You are so precious to Me and I love you more than you can ever realize. I want to be a part of everything in your life. But I love you so much that I allow you the gift of deciding what you will do and who you will follow. I will never force you to follow Me. That wouldn’t be love. Even before you come to Me, I love you. I’ve provided the Way for you to be with Me forever through My Son, Jesus. When you accept Me into your life, I adopt you into My family. When you come to Me, I will guide you in all you do and I will never leave you. No matter where life takes you or the circumstances you face, I will be with you.

Sometimes those circumstances are very hard. There is so much sin in this world and it often brings pain. I don’t take all those circumstances away, but I’ll be right there with you. Even if you can’t see why these circumstances are happening or how anything good can come from them, I promise that I will use it for good. There is protection and strength in my love. I know what is happening before it even comes to you and I go before you.

Don’t be anxious or fearful of anything that comes your way. The life I have planned for you is better than you can ever imagine. I will provide for you. Gather your strength from Me for My shoulders are strong and My mercy is great. Just like a mother sings over her children, I sing over you. You are perfectly and wonderfully made. I knew you before you were born and formed you Myself in your mother’s womb. You are like a crown of beauty in My hand. There is no one in the world like you. You have a unique story, different from everyone else in the world, with your own voice to tell about it. My child, I have given you gifts to use to make this world a better place.
I am with you always, will always take care of you and always love you. I’ve given you My Spirit to live in you and to guide you. I have also given you My Word, not just as an instruction manual, but so you will know Me and will know My love for you. As you give your life over more and more to Me and depend on Me, You will experience true freedom. Keep my commandments, trust in Me and know I am there. You are My child and I am your Father, no matter what those in this world have told you. Seek Me in all you do and rest in My love all your days and you will find peace in My love and joy in My Spirit.

Nothing can change my love for you.

Love,

Your Heavenly Father

Ephesians 5:1-2          John 3:16-17        Genesis 3:15            Philippians 4:6          Zephaniah 3:17            Romans 8:26                                        Isaiah 43:4                  John 1:12-13         Romans 8:28           Jeremiah 29:11         Psalm 119:13-14          Romans 15:4                 Proverbs 3:5-6            Psalm 32:8            Psalm 46:1               Philippians 4:19        Isaiah 62:3                   Galatians 5:1                    Joshua 24:15              Hebrews 13:5        Isaiah 46:9-10 1       Chronicles 16:11      Psalm 5:3                     Deuteronomy 4:4           Jeremiah 1:5               Matthew 28:20      Deuteronomy 31:8    Ephesians 2:4-5      1 Peter 4:10-11             Matthew 11:28-30          Matthew 6:26 

Breaking the Chains

I often wonder how people can treat others as if they are less than them or cut them down in an area that threatens them and/or that the other person does well. Encouragement and uplifting others is so important. It brings forth people with confidence and hope for the future. These people are then more likely to look to the future as well with encouragement and hope for others with whom they touch and come in contact. Why would anyone not want that for others?

I feel people who have torn me down at every turn have surrounded my life. In fact, there is not one part of my being that hasn’t been torn down. The way I look, speak, write, do certain tasks and even the things I enjoy have been minimalized as things that are a waste of time or energy. It has broken me down in so many ways to the point that I don’t put myself out there very much. Most of these people are out of my life, for the most part. So, the chains that bound me to the floor to not move forward have been released but they are still attached to my arms and legs by the walls and protections I have put around my life to keep me “safe” from the constant attacks. Now those protections hold me captive. I have so many tape recordings running through my head and “mind speak” passing through my brain that it’s hard to break free from the chains that hold me where I stand.

By writing this blog and starting to write in other arenas, I am slowly starting to unlink the chains on my wrists by allowing my writings to be sent out on the Internet and to friends and acquaintances. I am just now beginning to unlink the chains around my ankles by stepping into leadership and teaching roles, even though doubt and fear are present so often in those areas.

But those chains should never have been placed there. How do people who are supposed to love you behave this way and treat those in their family with such despicable behavior? What purpose does it serve? I have heard that it helps the other person feel better about themselves by tearing down the positives of others. How?

I’ve realized recently that this is something I will never understand. There is just no way I can wrap my head around the thought process that could possibly lead someone to think this OK.

What I can do is look to the One Who loves me in a way I will also never be able to totally understand this side of Heaven. His love is so vast, He cheers for me louder than any crowd at an NFL game and He speaks to me gently to guide and protect me. I can also take His words and meditate on them to someday come to the point where I not only no longer hear the tapes but that the tapes are destroyed completely. God’s love can do this and I, with His help, can make this happen.